Shawn Jones Tribute
by King Hadbar
Summary: Something I wrote awhile ago that probably won't ever be finished. I accept your hatred.
1. Caringosity

-1Caringosity

High above Robotropolis in the smog, Snively finished programming the HoverUnit autopilot and moved to the back cabin, juggling five clipboards and sitting down on the fold-out leather seats. Robotnik shivered, angrily wrapping his red cape around his shoulders. "Fuck, it's cold. It's so fucking cold. Why is it so cold, Snively?" Before Snively could respond, Robotnik found the problem - an open window directly to his left. He pressed the button to roll it down, but nothing happened. "What's going on with the window?"

"An electrical short most likely, sir."

"Did you earn your masters at Stating the Obvious University? I _know_ there's an electrical short, Snively. My question was pertaining to the existence of said electrical short via the malfunctioning window. Meaning, why hasn't it been fixed yet? Why am I sitting here freezing my metal parts off while you tie your dick into curly fries like the kind at the In 'n' Out Burger? And so on."

"Those are some good burgers, sir-"

"Shut the fuck up, Snively, and do me the courtesy of telling me why you've dragged me up to the icy portion of my own personal hell."

"Which, sir?"

"Which _what_, Snively?"

"That is, should I, er, commence shutting my fuck or should I inform you why I've dragged you up to your own personal hell?" Snively gulped in a deep breath. "Also, I don't believe In 'n' Out Burger serves curly fries, so… yeah."

Robotnik stood and quietly - quite efficiently, really - wedged Snively's body into the window frame. Robotnik let him hang there, sitting back down. "So _goddamn_ cold."

"Okay…" Hanging there, Snively still had the ability to reference his clipboards. "A SWATbot recently found several listening devices in and around the hub, the most we've ever found. The rebels are getting better at bugging us, sir."

"_You're_ getting better at bugging me, Snively.

"Um, therefore, I thought it prudent to fly on a series of random courses programmed by an independent, closed-circuit database in this HoverUnit."

"This HoverUnit. The only one with a broken window." Robotnik wagged his head back and forth. "I don't know why I keep you around. Sure, the feeling of superiority is nice, but who is to say I wouldn't feel that without your incompetence proving your existence. Random courses… Are you certain that is entirely safe?"

"It should be, sir. Also, we are bug sweeping every seventeen seconds, all in the interest of complete and utter privacy."

"What's the fucking point, with information this important," Robotnik lamented. "I need the Freedom Fighters dead, Snively. I need them dead like I need to take a shit every morning."

"Gross," Snively cringed.

"Yet killing them isn't as easy, is it? Not in our current state of impotence."

"Impotence, sir?"

"Genius limp-dickery, Snively, I was trying to spare your fragile ears, but now that you've ruined that like you've ruined everything else in my life…" Robotnik trailed off and sighed, becoming more despondent, leaning elbow-first into Snively's stomach. "How is it that we can cover furry things in metal but can't roll up a simple windo-" Suddenly, an idea struck him like the HoverUnit was going to strike a smoke stack in thirty seconds. "Snively! Which of our factories is producing at lowest capacity?"

"Well-"

"Shut it down. Immediately."

"_Shut it down_? But why?"

"You shall see, my young nephew, you shall see… BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHA."

Robotnik's laughter filled the HoverUnit all the way to the impact point, at which point it turned into various types of screams and cries of pain.

In Knothole, quite a different scene was playing; birds were singing, the sun was shining, the trees were a-greenin - things were as boring as ever. Well-aware of this, Sonic the Hedgehog leaned against his favorite tree, attempting the longest dream possible of a better life.

His doomed quest was interrupted by the voices of Rotor and Antoine, approaching from the east.

"Head switching? With _science_? Tell me how that deserves a full-length feature. Go ahead and tell me."

"I cannot, Rotor. Ze end shot was good, zough."

"Them on a boat waving to something? Sure, I guess. It belonged in a better movie. _The_ movie. The one with the apocalypse."

"Zere 'ad to have been zome good moments…"

Rotor thought for a moment. "When Agent Skinner randomly showed up."

"Iz too bad he did not do more."

"They hugged."

"Yes, ze hug was nice indeed."

"As were the other moments of shameless fan service, of which there were _many_. Outside of those?"

Antoine shrugged. "At least ze Mulder still was not afraid of ze fire."

Sonic threw his hands up in exasperation. "Okay, do you two really have to do this here? There are plenty of other places in this fucking village to talk about this bullshit." Sonic re-closed his eyes. "Also, you should never fuck with canon, even if the canon is retarded."

"By zat logic, we are counting _Ze Lone Gunmen_."

"Bullshit. Spinoff rules don't apply."

"What about crossover rules? Frank Black?"

"The musician?" Tails asked, flying in front the forest, covered in dirt and twigs.

"The slightly psychic detective extraordinaire, dumbass." Sonic double-taked on Tails' filthy appearance. "Whoa! What the shit happened to you? Get into a fight with decency and common sense? Let me guess who won…"

Undeterred, Rotor continued his discussion with Antoine. "The episode in the seventh season wrapped the series up."

"Abruptly and in ze most unsatisfying manner. Was it not zeazon two ending with a mega-virus, covering ze planet?"

"I'm sure it ties into eyeless zombie things somehow."

"Jose Chung appears in both series, doesn't he, shug?" Bunnie asked, joining the ever-growing group.

"Must everyone coalesce like a deadly viral strain WHILE I'M TRYING TO FUCKING NAP?" Sonic scream-yelled. "I can't catch a break. All I want to do is sleep, is that so much to ask? Sleep forever."

"Like the war veteran in Kryceck's first episode?" Rotor quipped.

"He _didn't_ sleep, mate," Knuckles said, gliding down from above. "Get yer facts straight."

"Fuck, not you too…"

"Aw, what's buggin you, shug?" Bunnie asked, voice full of concern that sounded genuine.

"It just worries me that all of us know so much about the X-Files. I only join this discussion because it seems that I am not meant to forget I know all of you today. What's _your_ excuse?"

"Stallin, I s'pose," Knuckles said.

"Stalin? Is that more slang? Slang for COMMIES?"

"No, we're _literally_ stalling," Rotor explained. "Sally called another meeting."

"Of course she did," Sonic grunted. "How could I forget?"

"Amnesia in Mexico?" Knuckles asked.

"Random thoughts in a shared subconscious while being digested by a fungus?" Rotor asked next.

"Memory erasure resulting from a complex and convoluted government cover-up?" Bunnie asked third.

"Side effect of ze head switching?" Antoine put in.

"You fuckers never cease to make my wrists itch for a straight razor." Sonic waved them off, leaning away from the tree. "Get to the fucking meeting, I'll be there in a red hot minute."

Sonic watched most them go and massaged a headache from his skull. Tails stood in silence for a moment, then said quietly, "I liked it better when we talked about buttfucking."

"Me too, Tails," Sonic nodded in agreement, depressed by that.


	2. Did You Drink the Mercury?

Did You Drink the Mercury?

"Wellllll," Sally Acorn leaned back, then lurched forward when she realized she was sitting on a stump. "Ahem. Well, it looks like we're all here except for a certain somebody who is characteristically late. What a shock."

"To be fair, Princez, zis isn't _everyone,_ is it not?"

"I suppose not, Antoine, Captain of Semantics." She looked around for a moment, making sure they were safely contained, away from prying ears. "If you must know, I find it best to leave the regulars out of our meetings. Considers yourselves Generals of the normal populace of Knothole."

"Fascist!" Bunnie exclaimed, marking on her crossword puzzle.

"How does that work?" Rotor asked, usurping Antoine as new heir to the throne of Semantics. "Who outranks whom?"

"I outrank all of you. Anything else?

"Yes, zis still is not everyone."

Sally mouth tightened around her teeth. "Was there a _question_ in there, Antoine?"

"He's right, shug," Bunnie said gently. "What about Dulcy?"

"Dulcy! That was her name! That's been bothering me all day. I haven't seen her in a-"

Rotor hit the brakes at Sally's finger pointed inches from his left eye. "Don't say it."

"Say what?" he asked innocently.

"You were going to say something racist."

"Sorry, should I save it until Tails gets back?"

"Me, I hope that she's dead," Sonic unabashedly admitted, finally arriving.

"Tails is ze 'he,'" Antoine whispered to Rotor.

"I actually thought the jury was still out on that…" Rotor whispered back to Antoine.

"I would gladly shoot Dulcy in the face with a shotgun and literally feel nothing," Sonic continued to announce, taking a seat place in the circle. "Nothing except for 'Oh look, she's dead, that's interesting.'

"Sonic! Keep your voice down."

"Sal, she's Mobius' taxi and she doesn't matter, at all. AT ALL. At all. We need her for lifting heavy things and nothing more."

"Like ze Superman," Antoine whispered to Rotor.

"Which I guess makes me Mobius' Fast Thing. Heh."

"But why-ever for do you want ze Tails dead?" Antoine whispered to Sonic.

"Is there a goal at the end of this discussion?" Sally said, patience wearing just about thin enough to stab Sonic to death with it.

"I suppose it's 'Do you really miss Dulcy?' She's worse than you remember, trust me." Sonic then finally realized that Sally was glaring at him. "Howya doin, BoatButt?"

"Don't call me BoatButt. Where _is_ Tails?"

"I told him to fuckin' bounce. _Relax_, the exact words were 'Go fuck off into the woods for a bit.' These meetings don't apply to him. All you do is tell him not to listen to me. See, I figure if he's not here to begin with, he won't hear the repugnant shit I say all the time."

Many instincts were flaring off, but they were minor compared to the big one that would have exploded had Tails been present to hear them. "Good thinking, Sonic."

"Fuckin a."

"But it's not a free pass to swear all the time. And it's your job to apprise him of all the information in the meeting. _I mean it_."

"I know you do, I've seen your 'mean it' face many a time. I'm here to learn, ain't I? Get on with the words."

"Very well," Sally cleared her throat. "Simply, I am worried about declining intelligence. Ours. All of ours." No one reacted. "_Everyone_!"

"Even me?" Rotor asked.

"Yes! Well no, not you. A little, I guess."

"Because I was the one who told you about this-"

"I know, _I know_." Sally felt her headache increase by measurable inches.

"Scuse me," Sonic said, raising his hand. "You're worried about us getting dumber?"

"I had NICOLE secretly test everyone every week last month per Rotor's suggestion."

"Using _what, _exactly?"

"Glad you asked!" Rotor leaned back, lurched forward after almost falling, then cleared his throat. "It was actually a series of carefully constructed puzzles, tailored to each participant's personality."

"Ze double-blind," Antoine whispered to Rotor.

"N… no, Antoine. Anyhow, one test is still in progress-"

"What is a three letter word for 'witch?'" Bunnie muttered to herself.

"-but combined with the questionnaire results from NICOLE, I think we have to enough data to conclude…" Rotor nodded to Sally, who picked up the ball:

"Our scores are getting progressively lower."

"Thaaaat's why NICOLE kept asking me math problems! I thought she was buggy or something…" Sonic said, scratching the back of his head. "Well, she _is_ buggy if she thinks we're getting dumber."

"Your complaint has been logged, Sonic. You, by the way, got the lowest score."

"HA!" Sonic leaned back in mock-laughter, lurched forward when he almost fell. "That's rich. Scores lower than the foreigner, the other foreigner, and the fat autobus."

"And the child."

Sonic sprang to his feet. "This meeting is balls-tits!"

"Fuckin' a," Antoine whispered to Sally without realizing.

"I will not be assassinated by a cabal of… uhhh… Tails… shippers. Is that the- that the right term?"

"Sonic, sit down."

"Sal, listen," Sonic scooched up to a reddening Sal, thick with sudden charm all about his face. "We all know why you _really_ called this meeting. You're going to address the sexual tension that has been plaguing us these past few days and affecting our work. I think it's time we took a deep breath and acknowledged the problem to our friends. Using our… whatya call them…"

"Words," Rotor deadpanned. "And we are all aware that you two are fucking."

"I _know_ that, you crass asshole… crass hole." Sonic spat through grit teeth while Sally got redder for two reasons now. "What I was saying was that there is a different Dulcy-in-the-room we must address." With that, Sonic flipped 'round to Bunnie, leaning forward, grabbed her hand softly in his, looked deep into her eyes and lowered his voice to a Liars Frequency faster than any Being had done before him, and said with complete confidence, "Bunnie, Sally and I would like you to join us in a three-way."

Ten seconds later, Sonic felt impacts against the back of his head, recognizing the bottom of Sally's boot colliding with his skull while a string of curses escaped from her mouth. His jaw hurt like the blazes.

"Bugger off! Bloody bugger to you, you beastly bastard! Fornication! Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck and fuck! Fuck, fuck and bugger! Bugger, bugger, buggerty buggerty, fuck, fuck, arse! Balls balls fuckity, shit, shit, fuck and willy! Willy, shit and fuck and…" Sally paled. "…tits."

"Sonic is playing Ground again!" Tails said, having stumbled into the group.

"How long have you been within earshot, Shug?" Bunnie worriedly asked with her hands to her mouth.

"Long enough to hear Aunt Sally lose a bunch of money to the swear jar!"

"Great, well that's just great," Sally said, "Or it would be if we could even find the swear jar. My life and this meeting are both equal levels of disaster." Sal nodded to Sonic's body. "Sorry on his behalf, Bunnie."

"No problem, Shug. Always thought it was a reds versus whites situation. Kinda like them war of the roses." Bunnie said, her courtly southern ways not helpful.

Sonic grunted to his feet. "Annnnd I return. And so does Tails. Tails! For fuck's sake, what happened this time? Did you try to shave with a rock?"

"No, after going on that fuck-off you told me about, I fell a bunch of times!"

"… That's the stupidest thing I've ever fucking heard. You _fly_. Your balance should be impeccable. It's inexcusable you little fuckrag."

"But I wasn't-"

"Don't bother explaining," Sonic said, putting up a hand. "Where were we?"

"Ze' three-w-"

Sally's fist slammed full-force into Antoine's face, knocking him unconscious. "The tests. The _tests_," she said.

"Ah yes," Sonic continued, stepping over Antoine. "I'm impressed with you, Rotor. Quack is turning you into a nice little Nazi protégé."

"Hey!" Rotor paused. "Thank you."

"Welcome. So, this 'declining intelligence virus' explanation or whatever doesn't fly. Now-"

"I can fly!"

Everyone looked at Tails for a long time. Sonic's expression was especially wrinkled and full of rage. Slowly, he began again. "_Now_… I'd accept something like, we're all working too hard, or NICOLE has a stupid virus, or the scores are getting progressively harder… Like those two things. Besides, our intelligence has nothing to do with our war against the Fat-Shaped Container of Evil. Like Knuckles says, it's shithouse."

"I rarely understand a word of what Knuckles says," Rotor said.

"Sounds cool with the accent, though."

"Aunie Bunnie has an accent!" Tails yelled.

"Yes she does, little buddy," Sonic said, uncharacteristically fatherly. "And that's one of the many reasons I loved sleeping with her."

"Forcing this runaway train back on track by pretending I didn't hear that," Sally said, eyes boiling in her head. "We need to help each other. We're all in this together."

"Your vaguely communist attitude does not convince me, but it's cute. Learning algebra is entirely unnecessary especially considering I save the day all the time."

"Assuming that's true for the sake of the argument, you won't be around forever."

"Defeatism. See? Look at that big word I just whipped out. We're fiiiiiiiiine."

"Even so, I'm putting you all on a strict regimen to keep your minds and bodies sharp. Classes and exercise. Mostly classes. Starting tomorrow." Sally plowed on through the groans. "And Rotor, since you are the one who brought this to my attention and seem to be largely unaffected by whatever is happening, we will concentrate instead on getting you into shape."

"Hey I didn't agree to that, what the fuck?"

"Sonic, half of your day will be devoted to getting Rotor up to a mile in 15 minutes."

"I'd rather practice sodomy," Sonic grumbled.

"Now we are talking!" Antoine exclaimed, rising from the dead. Bunnie unconsciously scooted away from him.

"I can't run tomorrow, I'm shomer shabbos," Rotor said.

"What?" Antoine asked.

"Shomer shabbos."

"_What?"_

"Shomer shabbos!"

"Antoine, sit down before I put another fist up your balls," Sally said.

"Another?" But still he sat down. "Yeesh."

"And Rotor, you are running for the first part of your day. The rest will be devoted to finding out what is wrong with us."

Rotor crossed his arms and muttered something like "misallocation" and "fart box."

Sonic leaned closer to Sally, trying to be delicate. "Sal, you're a fun gal, that's why I sleep with _you_, but this is not a good idea."

"You're saying, you're saying what? Saying that- BUNNIE! Give up on this thing!" Sally swiped the crossword from Bunnie's hands. "Saying that I'm not capable of keeping us alive?"

"I think more than knowing what we're doing, we don't know what we're doing.

"That doesn't even make sense-"

"I can fly!"

"WILL SOMEBODY TEACH THIS INSUFFERABLE CHILD?" Sonic yelled as he contemplated giving Tails summer teeth. Summer here… summer there…

"Rotor," Antoine said, cutting the silence. "What is zis Shabbos?"

Rotor was less glad that someone asked. "Tomorrow, Antoine, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means I don't start a fire, I don't answer the phone, I don't drive a car, I don't fucking ride in a car, and I sure as shit DON'T FUCKING RUN. Shomer shabbos!"

"Ah. I am getting it, now."

Sally, momentarily calmed, tried again. "… Look, Sonic, this isn't about-"

"Shomer fucking shabbos."

"Oh fuck it, that's it, I'm out of here!" Sally swiped NICOLE and Bunnie's crossword from the group and stormed off. "You can pilot Mobius into the hot flames of the sun for all I care, you fucking peasants!"

The remaining group watched her disappear around a hut after knocking down no less than three other Knothole residents.

"Hag," Bunnie muttered.

"Yeah… she's tense. That means she's not getting any." Rotor stated.

"I guess that means you are not getting any, eh shug?" Bunnie directed to Sonic.

"Yeah, well, I tried to solve that…" Sonic said.

Tails waited for what he felt was the right moment to ask. "Sonic, what's sodomy?"


	3. A Shadowed Stain on the West Facade

A Shadowed Stain on the West Façade

Snively, healing nicely from the HoverUnit crash, checked his GPS again to make sure he was on the right course to the rendezvous. There were some estimates running through his mind, one that placed Robotnik around where he eventually saw him waving. Waving… gleefully? Hmm.

As he came closer, Robotnik tossed an object to Snively, who threw his hands up in defense, fumbled nervously with it, thinking it was a rock or something. "Ah, AH!"

"Put those on." Robotnik pointed to a large pair of goggles resting on his brow. "For safety."

"Ah." Snively complied, feeling his heart rate go back down. Eyes covered from only specific types of danger, he reached under his coat for a stack of papers. "I took the liberty of bringing the newest production reports, in case your newest mad plot requires them in some obscure fashion."

"Professional. Thoughtful. Unnecessary." Robotnik began walking in a long ellipse to Snively's rear. "Shut up and allow a preface, nephew: in this chaotic universe in which we live, evolutionary advances take not only time to manifest, but a finite amount of trial and error. _Failures_. Barring freak occurrences which result in leaps and booms, those who mange to stumble across the right answer the first time, perfection otherwise - that is, a perfect answer to a problem - takes both time and adaptation. In our own trials and errors regarding the Hedgehog and his band of merry fucks, I have elected employing varying methods of brute force and you have elected to… what is it you're doing now?"

"Poisoning the water supply to the Great Forest." Snively said, apprehensively expecting a trap. "It's a long-term plan, sir, but one which I believe-"

"Shh shh shh." Robotnik pat Snively on the head. "Perhaps it is time for a new tactic. I feel the _problem_, Snively, is visual confirmation. The Freedom Fuckers live because we send out our bots to do the dirty work and then fly in to survey the damage. But they've always escaped, haven't they? _Haven't they_? They have. So, the conclusion I have come to is that I need to kill them myself. Personally."

"With it so far, sir."

"And how does one do that, you must wonder in that oddly shaped skull of yourn. The answer is: preferably, with a gun."

Snively wanted very much to take a step back somewhere. "Uh huh…"

"And not just any gun, Snively. A great gun. The best gun ever created." Robotnik came back around to Snively's point-of-view, eyes aflame. "What's the matter, Nephew? You look strained and anxious."

"Well, sir, my only question is, w-why did you have me shut down our lowest-producing factory?"

"To blow it up and use the parts to make the gun, of course."

"Sir, that seems… oddly restrictive to the goal in mind. You're resigning yourself to making a gun out of every part of the factory. Won't that result in redundancies, inefficient couplings and…" Snively struggled to find a delicate word. "… weirdness?"

"We are masters of robotics, dumb fuck! We can do whatever the shit we want! 'Robot' is in our fucking name!"

"Regardless, I can think of about ten better ways to go about-"

"Too late!" Without further warning, Robotnik pressed a button on his wristwatch and the factory imploded beautifully, scattering flaming debris uncomfortably close to where they were standing. Snively unconsciously ducked and covered his head, while consciously reorienting his brain and body to be led around by a madman. More so. "Ahh, that is so satisfying," the madman said.

"Yes. Yes, sir," Snively muttered, returning to full height as dust rolled their way. He noticed a paper facemask was being handed to him.

"For safety. And here are the plans." He tossed a book of blueprints, secreted in the same hammerspace he kept all other things. "Behold in besplendled awe. When you're finished beholding, construct pages 125-500."

Snively made a show of flipping through important-looking pages. "It's… very BAMF, sir."

"_What_?"

"Uh, 'badass motherfucker,' sir. Shortened."

"Ah. Yes. It is. But I like my name better." Robotnik swept his arm across the dust cloud. "Master Fuck Gun!"

"MFG? There are no vowels in that, so-"

"Is it so important to shorten it? MUST YOU? This ain't no fucking Acro-party. This is combat evolved, you fuck."

Snively made himself smaller. "Okay, sure, sure, I can make a suit that lets you turn your head."

That appeared to appease him. "Excellent. Next time we speak, it better be finished. And when you make the body module, make sure the fucking windows roll up."

"Yes, sir."

"Good, good… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA."

"You know, sir, it's quite disconcerting when you laugh suddenly like that."

"Oh, how rude of me, I apologize. I didn't mean to _disconcert_ you. What I meant to do was- " And then Robotnik kicked him.


End file.
